Workplace Farting: Options Explored

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.


And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

tired

Maybe this lack of words, for my part, is merely a result of being Unequivocally, Simply and Truly Tired.

But, of what? I haven’t done anything and I’m already tired of nothing. I want passion. I want it back.

I remember what it was like to be in love. Not just with a girl. Though, certainly, I have loved several times and sometimes, all at the same time. I used to be able to fall in love with a lip-shaped smudge on the mirror. Or, a perfectly made paper airplane that glides and flips and floats and lands with ease on the pavement under the sweltering sun. Or, a mathematical proof that started out ugly with square roots and exponents and powers of two and ten and five and fractions that could make my mother cry, but ended quaintly and promptly at x being equal to y over a rainbow, or something like that. Or the sway of a woman’s hips as she walks across a garden, sweat on her upper lip and her nape, her blushing child at her hip, sucking on a lollipop and humming her lullabies to himself. Her skin, you just know, would be yellow and purple at the bone where her babe had been nestling since birth. But there is no pain, only the comforting ache of presence. So beautiful. A woman’s body is the map of the universe. It was made to make loving easy.

Nothing was so ugly that it couldn’t teach you to love.

EVERYDAY UGLY

im really pissed right now..

F*CK YOU!!! CAN YOU PLEASEE MIND YOUR OWN FRIGGIN BUSINESS!!! IM DOIN MY JOB AND I KNOW I DO IT WELL!! SO STOP BOTHERING ME AND PLEASE TRY TO BE PRODUCTIVE!!!... DONT WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR STUPID IDEAS!!! MAN, KIM MADE A MISTAKE HIRING YOU!! AND SHE ADMITTED IT!! EVERYDAY, I TRY TO ACCEPT MY EVERYDAY UGLY.. YOUR YOUR A BIG PART OF THAT.. I CAN ACCPET YOU AS A PERSON BUT NOT A FRIGGIN CO WORKER.. I HATE WORKING WITH YOU, I HAVENT HEARD ONE GOOD IDEA FROM YOU SINCE YOU CAME ON BOARD..YOUR JUNIORS ARE MORE EFFICIENT, MORE RELIABLE AND CREATIVE FOR THAT MATTER... WE HAD A CREATIVE BRAINSTORMING LAST MONTH BUT I DIDNT GET EVEN A DRIZZLE FROM YOU..PLEASE JUST ADMIT AND DONT PRETEND YOU KNOW..

AND PLEASE, THE NEXT TIME YOU'LLE GIVE ME A JO. DONT!! GIVE IT TO YOUR JUNIORS AND THEY'LL BE THE ONE WHO WILL EXPLAIN IT TO ME...COZ YOU DONT KNOW HOW!!

AND DONT YOU EVER QUESTION ME IF I CAN DO WHAT YOUR REQUESTING.. COZ YOU DONT HAVE THE FUCKIN RIGHT.. YOU CANT EVEN DO YOUR JOB..

AND LAST REQUEST... DONT EVER TALK TO ME ON MONDAYS AND EVRYTIME I COME-IN AT THE OFFICE IN THE MORNING.. DONT YOU NOTICE THAT I IGNORE AND PRETEND THAT YOUR NOT THERE?

PLEASEEEEE!!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

steven

this is steven.

he is homeless.

he has the kindest most radiant soul you can imagine.

he loves seattle, LA and chicago.he dislikes san diego.he reads anne rice, adores michelangelo andlikes to visit museums.(he had me at michelangelo)

.he says most everyone is nice to himand only about 1 in 100 peopleare assholes.

that's not too shoddy.stories.sit down with someone like steveand swap stories.

it will change who you are.

~~~~~~~

it did for me

gift

got a nice gift from someone tiny, round and cute....

red said "daddy" na..

well i didnt hear it but his nanny told me...

before i left the house, i made him a bottle of milk, after drinking half of it.. he started talking.. not exact words but baby talk... and i started talkin back..

a conversation with my kid.. hhhmmmm.. felt really nice..

really nice

....

would you persue something yournot sure you gona get or have just because it felt right and you felt a love much stronger than anything in this world?...

you gona lose a big part of your soul by doin this..
would you?


i did.. and i lost not only a part of my soul but also 5 years of my life....

with all the pain felt...
all sad emotions showed..
all the dissapointments i gave to the people who love me coz of what i did..
every waking hours.. it felt like hell.. but colder..

this was accepted with open arms..

coz of one thing..

that smile

i feel..

lately ive been in a depressed mood..in which i constatntly question things..myself, my life, my work, and my attitude towards everything and everyone..

this is my reality check..

i might get the answer or i may not..

but after this state.. im a new person..


but usally i dont..

hhmmmm.. but im getting use to this shit..

forgotten..forgetting..

she was just the same age as he was..

when she smiles, a dimple below her left eye appears..

she was wearing a pendant.. silver and with a cross..
blue denim jeans, sneakers, a white blouse..

and that smile..

that smile will be the end of him..but hoping for a beginning..

people passes by.. his classmates, friends and even professors..
no one is more significant than that smile..

"are you allowed to have that long hair?" she asked..

"No, but im thinking of cutting it short.. what you think?"
asking if she aware of him.. or maybe intrested..

"hmm.. i dont mind the hair.. kinda gives an attitude or something..your an artist, you can get away with it.."
maybe she's tryin to be polite sayin those things... but man it did made his day..

"ok"
an answer with a smile.. but with that smile, he prayed he dont have any thing stuck in his teeth..

"so your boyfriend is taking up what course?"
a question meant to know if she has one or a chance to go on the second notch and let her know that it was not the last day she gona see him..

"Business management, we're in the same school...."
heaven and earth fell upon him, the ground swallowed him whole..

"wow, nice, cool"
stupid answer..

but he forgot, he was a personal joke of fate..

"but im thinking of breaking up with him...maybe this school year" she told him with a sad face..

"sorry to hear that, maybe you should give him a chance"
he nearly slap his face and shout coz of all the things he can say, why the hell he ask for that friggin idiot to have another chance with the girl of his dream..

"nevermind, lets not talk bout that.. wana have a snack?" he quickly changed topic...



"sure, your treat..."


thank God for tuition money..

forgotten..

maybe not..

she made me like this..

i dont mind learning to feel pain at an early age, i dont mind ruining my life coz i fell hard, i dont mind bein alone..

but i do deny things i cant control.

i wish you were rude to me.. but you talked to me for an hour..
i wish you didnt smile at me.. but you laughed like a child to my silly and corny jokes..
i wish you're ugly.. but your skin.. pale,white, angelic...
i wish you didnt hold my hand inside the elevator coz you got scared coz its old and noisy.. but your hand felt as if you knew me and you trusted me..

that was the first time i really loved someone.. but all i know bout you is your name and you are a friend of a friend..

i dont think you noticed that you took something..

my soul..

########

he always wakes up early..openning his mom's furniture shop..didnt mind lifting things.. sofas, chairs, beds and tables.... thats his workout..or maybe just earning his keeps.. after that, he went upstairs and got ready for his enrollment.. 2nd year now.. Bachelor of Fine Arts majoring in Advertising.. he love what he was takin, not his first choice but he find peace and expression doin stuff..

he always wear his old torned pair of jeans.. white shirts and sandals.. he belonged to a group of student who had their hair grew long.. 5'10" 150lbs, fair skin.. people always stare at him.. looking.. thinking.. admiring? he doesnt care..

theres no traffic, the commute was fast.. got too early..he headed straight to his building..
took the stairs coz the old slow dirty box they so called elevator was out of order again.. half the school year it was..

7 floors.. 3 mins he took to reach his room..

the first thing he saw was two girls talking.. one was familliar and one was a face smilling..

he said hi..and she responded with a grin.. he was suprised.. was so cute.. he pulled a chair and started askin stuff but always trying to find words.. hes not really a talker.. he always prefer silence but that time he wants to converse, listen, ask and joke..

he felt nice..

his friend ask if he doesnt mind staying with deenah for a moment..she'll just enroll and be back after an hour.. he answered with a smile and thought that it wouldnt hurt to enroll the next day..


life was gettin better.. he thougth..