hate, hurt and ignorance

PERSON 1:
do i really look like a bad person?.. i mean how can you judge me without knowing me...you dont know how i think, feel, hurt, work or even you dont know my name.. youve judge me beacause of my appearance..damn! man get a life.. F*CK YOU!

PERSON 2:
Right now man..i have so many problems.. work, life, finances, relationship and now please dont add up.. your friggin old enough to get your issues settle man.. you tell me you dont believe what your helper said, you tell me your better or dont want to stoop down to their level.. but your affected.. you spank your kid just to make a point.. what if i did the same thing to you and watch you bleed?!! will you see my point!? man.. your rent is free, we give up our bigger unit for you and your family, you paid for a car 60% less, you have a garage, your mom gave you money for your business and still you feel neglected! your the biggest loser i know..

PERSON 3:
DOnt assume please.. i talk to yu coz i like the conversation and your a good person.. intelligent but sometimes ignorant bout life, funny but sometimes a bitch, cute but can sometimes hurt and honest but sometimes dont speak up..i wouldnt mind if you say bye, life is like that but.. a one last conversation and a cup of cofee would be nice..

********
mike has been tryin to live his life without hurting and judging other people..his been through a lot.. so he is sorry if he looks like he doesnt care.. he actually does,

but..


they dont..

seen so many things

this inspire me, frustrate me and sadness really love this..


still need to get ideas on paper, im blocking out, saw many styles of illustrations and i lost mine in the process

*all images came from www.deviantart.com

want...

Move me. Where you want, when you want. I always want. Can we?

read this in a book..dont know what it means but i guess its just here to bother me..just thinking outloud..

pain leads to freedom..

yesterday was a bit crazy.. the creative is overloaded again (whats new anyway) but we didnt mind at all.. couldnt careless if we have deadlines!! whats important to us is output! for me particullarly.. i dont mind how you do your job.. i wont get in your face or even sit on it just to finish or make it nice, i dont mind if you sing, bark, dance or run around naked while workin, aslong as you deliver.. your good to me.. ok bad idea running around naked.. please dont get any ideas..

i was out early.. really havent feelin good lately bout myself.. dont know whats wrong but sadness creepin in.. havent seen her for a long time.. now my old friend sadness is showin her lovely face and tryin to sit beside me..sayin hello and remembering..but im ignoring her, just maybe..if i try harder to ignore her..she will leave me alone.. but damn fool, i said hi.. now she lettin herself in again..

pain leads to freedom..it’s everyone’s opinion ....not my own

i shouldnt be remebering pain..i have a selective memory.. all those sad feelling, all those
pain inside.. kept away in a box..


guess its too small for my pain..


but its always a good time to run around naked...

just a thought..


"dont forget to smile".. i always say that to someone..

but im ignoring her, just maybe..if i try harder to ignore her..she will leave me alone.. but damn fool, i said hi.. now she lettin herself in again..

maybe, i should open the door and...



smile at my pain..

i love animals!!!

went to the office as early as i can.. well i got in at 8:14 to be exact.. just wana be alone just for a few minutes but the boss got in after 15mins..atleast i finished some daily reading.. but lately i noticed that he's always early..hmmm.. maybe hes blogging or checking his friendster account or maybe just finishing or checking some downloads..porn? mp3? hmmm.. brokeback? YAY!

anyway got this email and it made my day, really made me smile... kinda a "smile after a hug".. that kind of shit..

im a junkie

Someone told me that i am a Vector Junkie..

what is a vector?

Vector graphics (also called geometric modeling or object-oriented graphics) is the use of geometrical primitives such as points, lines, curves, and polygons, which are all based upon mathematical equations to represent images in computer graphics. It is used by contrast to the term raster graphics, which is the representation of images as a collection of pixels (dots).

this are some of my vector art.. you tell me if i am..

Pretty in Pink

Beauty & Madness

Creech (colored)

Creech


be still

am i a junkie?

FUCK YOU!

Why do you hate him? Why did you make him leave? There’s nothing wrong with him..Why do you hate him? You want him crucified..Is it the way he looks Or the way he speaks his mind?

O there’s nothing wrong with him
But it’s you and your friends!

All i ever did was talk about her.. She’s done what she has to do.. Having to raise two kids without a father...You just stood by idly watched her suffer...You think you’re something special.. Boy you blew it! this conversations over..

there’s nothing wrong with her.. But it’s you and your friends
FUCK YOU and your friends!!

not now..

Friend: aren’t u going home?
Me: aren’t you too?
Me: in a while..
Friend: ya
Friend: i guess
Me: excited?
Friend: 'm still meeting my r&d manager
Friend: abt?
Me: my pretty rock..
Me: kidding..
Me: on your date.
Friend: oh
Friend: er
Friend: i'm feelin neutral
Friend: jus tired
Me: im thinkin, i wish right now im in a nice resto. dark and kinda cozy place with me drinking coffee and just try to relax and think about what i did today and will do tomorrow.. and order a large serving of angry sauce pasta!!! YUHUUU!!!
Friend: hhaha
Friend: i dont mind tat cept i dont wanna think of wat i did today or tom
Me: or have a conversation with someone..
Friend: ya
Me: or msn
Friend: tat would be better
Friend: go on a date na
Me: nah..
Friend:?
Me: i dont mind bein alone..
Me: im alone but not lonely
Friend: ah yes
Friend: tats a good thing
Me: a good company will do.. but no hearty talk
Me: dont want to be mushy this time of days
Friend: hahha
Friend: jus a good laugh
Me: yah.. that can make you pee
Friend: hahaha
Friend: ya
Friend: hey i'm off
Friend: damn tired
Me: ok..
Friend: see ya tom
Friend: tata
Me: tata

"i dont mind bein alone"

it would be great if its true but sometimes I mind... but I guess being alone is just trying to run away from the things I cannot comprehend..

"Friend: go on a date na"

i dont want to, that time.. but i guess fate has its way of makin me realized things... after the chat.. and old flame texted.. saying hi and askin how am i doin, i said im ok.. im really ok, i guess.. but you.. why you..

but not now please..

i don’t know what to make of you. The past weekend was just too overwhelming for me. With one moment of mutual boredom and a series of text messages, you were back in my life....

but not now please..

you were my insparation.. but dont be my distraction now..


You: mike? can i ask a favor?
Me: ok, what is it?
You: You busy this firday night?
Me: Hope not, want to sleep na..
You: can we meet?
Me: ah er.. where?
You: remember the old coffeeshop beside your office before?
Me: at agogo? is it still around? i thought its now a laundromat?..
You: hahaha still in business..
Me: i love their couches..anyway im glad their still around.. do you still call all the waiters George?
You: :) havent been there since we last saw each other.. never went there again but it would be nice to meet all the george again..
Me: ####? i really dont know my sched tomorrow but ill text you.. it would be nice to see you again..you still work out? :P
You: hahaha, why you asked? :) i still do..anyway please do text if your free or not.. ok?
Me: ok..no problem.. bye..
You: bye..


Some believe in rekindling old flames. Some say that once there’s a spark, the flame will never die out. I believe that old flames can be blown out just as easily as they can be rekindled. I know, because that’s what I did...

not now please... dont be my distraction..

still..

just asking and you could just answer..

what do u think is the difference between an "imagination" and a "dream" or "imagining something" versus "dreaming"?

ah..eh... er..

got an email from someone and she wrote:

When I’m with you, it feels as though we could spend infinity in conversation. Some people consider it such a boring activity, such a hopeless, dispassionate attempt at trying to connect on some fundamental level other than physical attraction. I disagree. I’ve fallen in love only with those I felt I could talk to, really talk to.

You have that way of sometimes listening to me, just listening, and yet sometimes you get so excited in trying to tell me something, a whole bunch of things. I used to think it was cliché, how they say you get lost in someone’s eyes but when we talk it constantly amazes me to find someone who actually can look me straight in the eye and not flinch at the person he might find within the carefree ways and easy laugh. You might find in me a Medusa and then turn to stone.
Sometimes when we talk, I am overwhelmingly aware of your presence though you might be sitting across me or even with a person in between us. I notice that you like to lean forward when we’re talking, or that you grip something within my proximity – the back of the chair, the thrown hasty sweater in between, sometimes your hand on the back of my head …

But the best part is when you laugh. Unexpectedly. Your whole being surprised in laughter – your eyes light up and you exhale your “ha’s” with so much feeling. Sometimes you’re able to explain yourself; sometimes it takes you a full minute to gain composure. I remember one of the times you made me laugh. You said something unintentionally funny, and the moment the words escaped your mouth, I was the one you took by surprise. I couldn’t stop laughing. I remember how pleased you look afterwards, and how, like a child who has tentatively discovered a successful experiment, you repeated yourself and waited for me to laugh again.

What you don’t know is how hard I work to make you laugh. How I mentally rehearse stories in my head hoping that one of them will make you smile, at the very least. How I sometimes pout and sulk when I see that it cheers you up immensely when you’re trying to rile me up. How some of your text messages can actually make me laugh out loud. How I probably would not put the phone down for the next ten minutes if I hear your deep, cheerful laugh over the line, if only in the hopes of hearing it again.

Our little jokes sound silly to other people …sometimes it feels like we made up our own imaginary place and only either of us holds a ticket to get in. Sometimes, even amidst a whole bunch of other people you say something inexplicably striking and unintelligible to them, something only I would know and understand. And you would give me that look and wait for an acknowledgement.

Despite our penchant for long conversations, we still miss out on a lot of things and I wonder if it happens to you, the way it does to me …sometimes it feels like we have so much to say to each other. But at the end of it, a word, a look and hours later and I realize...

I wasn’t able to say anything at all.



just
######


****************

am i suposed to react, reply, be happy, sad or scared? is life shitting on me now? or this is just a big practical joke tryin to make me feel high then slapped me on the face and spit on me..man please this is not funny..

but if not..

why the hell just now?!!

wish you told me this 3 years ago...

DAMN!

She Sells Flowers for a Piece of Paradise

I saw her. All 3 feet of her.

She looked so small and frail in her drenched dress, which wasn't even a dress but an oversized shirt for a man. But, she wasn't a man and the shirt didn't fit, so once ever so often, it would slip off of her shoulder, exposing her sunburned skin to the rain and the cold that seemed to be everywhere tonight.

She looked like she was drowning in the rain, kicking at the tiny river that formed along the edges of the road. She let her toes be tickled by the rushing rainwater. I saw them wiggle and I smiled. I couldn't tell if she was playing a game or if she needed to dip her feet in the cold water, because they were burned and raw from the hot pavement. I couldn't tell if the drops on her cheeks were rain or tears.

I hate storms and there I was inside my car--dry, warm, and comfortable. I wonder how much hatred she felt towards the pellets of rain that bit on her tender skin. If I were her, I would be filled with anger and my eyes would reflect that hardness and hopelessness no matter where I looked or who it was that was looking in. The rain can break down trees, hills and a person's spirit.

But... not hers. I saw youth and light in her eyes, as she tapped on my car window, peddling stringed sampaguitas. I couldn't stand the scent of the tiny white flowers, at least not cooped up inside my car, but I still fumbled for coins... one, two, three, four, five. Five pesos is all I could find. 10 cents to the rest of the world. I quickly pulled down the window and dropped the coins in her tiny fingers.

She tried giving me a lei or two, with this huge grin on her face. I said no, it's okay. Keep the flowers, sell them to someone else. The coins are for you. I didn't think her grin could get any bigger. Five pesos and I bought sunshine for a barefoot little child on the streets. Sunshine at 7 pm. So how come I was the one who felt warm inside?

When the light turned green, she waved at me. I heard a shrill "Bye!" from where she stood. My wallet fell open in my lap and I saw a hundred peso bill peeping out. If five pesos could buy a couple of sunbeams from a little girl's smile, how much could one hundred pesos have bought? Moonlight... stars... blue skies... full stomachs... slippers... a real dress... paradise. Maybe.

But, it was too late. She disappeared when I turned the corner and so did the sunshine inside of me. Nothing is ever enough.

Would I Trip If I Daydreamed All Day?

I shouldn’t be left alone with my thoughts for too long. It’s always a dangerous thing because sooner or later, your mind starts playing tricks on you. You get delusional. Scary. I don’t want to be that way anymore. On the other hand, it wouldn’t be wise to not be self-aware either. I guess the secret is to know when to stop brooding over things and come back up to the world of the living.

I can’t stay in the daydream, sleepwalking through my day for too long. There are too many painful reminders that we live in a broken world. Maybe that’s why I like sleeping. It’s the only time I’m able to forget. I never realized before I why I liked sleeping so much. In my dreams I get to fly. I get to love without feeling the need to be so guarded. Without having to deal with gravity and the fear of falling. I was watching Smallville last week and the episode had Clark and a dying Brian up on a hot-air balloon. Future Superman admitted he was scared of flying.

I’m not scared of flying. I’m scared of falling.

OUCH!!!!!

SHE SAID:
For once, can’t you say something that makes it easier to live in this world? Do you have to be like every other bleeding heart broken idealist on this side of the universe? You’re not even an original cynic. You’re a doppelganger of all the cynics that came before you. Singing the same songs. Feeding the same lines. It’s trite. You’re not even a good punchline. You say nothing that everyone doesn’t already know. You can’t stop yourself from speaking a cliché every three statements. People aren’t blind, if they don’t want to talk about another reason why the world is doomed, you know. You’re just uptight. So uptight that your spirit has a perpetual wedgie. That’s why you can’t find inner peace. Those butt cheeks are clenched so tightly; you can’t fit a penny for a thought, much less two cents.

They say insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results. You survive by surrounding yourself with people who are just like you. Who do the same thing as you do, day in day out. If you can't find anyone, you exclude yourself. You wonder why nothing changes. How can things change when you don’t? Tired, subjugated, crushed and whipped. Hopeless. Helpless. Bogged down by the inability to fulfill your desires in spite of the world. And, you expect to inspire by that? To grow from flocking with the vultures? Feeding on the stench of death. Blaming circumstance for everything that’s wrong with the world. Refusing to recognize and give credit where it is due. Always punishment. Always blame. Always criticism. Aren't you tired of complaining?

And, you wonder why the world is so dark from where you stand. You can’t see the light from the day, when you’re hiding in the shadows of other people’s shame. The last thing the world needs is another washed up questioner with no answers. But they breed them like bunnies in this country. Must be all the hot air.

There’s more to life than what you’ve seen, if you care to get off the high horse and walk on your own two feet for once. Pity the beast of burden, for it to have to carry your lazy ass around. Any fool can point out what's wrong with a picture. Is that your goal in life? To become the village idiot?

I'm not saying be a Sesame Street Sunny Days happy-happy-joy-joy tweety bird optimist. That's bloody annoying!!

......................
I'm not making excuses. I'm making a decision. If I'm going to have pride, it's going to be pride in my ability to overcome, not my ability to runaway.

I'll stay..and face my labels