"kumusta na mike?" tanong mo habang nagbibihis ako..
"hindi ko alam, siguro ok lang.. hindi masaya, hindi din malungkot"
"tanggap mo na ba ang lahat?" parang nangungutya ka at pinipilit na saktan ako..
"di ba wala naman akong magagawa.. alam mo nung umpisa di ko kakayanin, pro di mo naman ako iniwan"
"yun lang naman ang magagawa ko, pro sana naintindihan mo na konti lang ang matutulong ko" sagot na simple pero malalim ang kahulugan para sakin..
"may nararamdaman ka pa ba sa kanya?"
"kay #####? di ko alam eh..pro pag naiisip ko gumugolo mundo. napapahinto ako"
"siguro nga meron pa..tsk tsk.. bayan mo na sya" pareho sa sagot mo..alam ko din meron pa..
"hindi naman masama kung tutuluyan mo ng kalimutan yung nangyari.." bat hindi ako natakot sabihin sayo..siguro alam ko maiintindihan mo ako..salamat pero
"minsan nakakasawa nadin maging malungkot, bumibigat ang lahat...nag iiba din ang kulay, lahat pusyaw, lahat madilim..lahat kulang sa buhay"
"gusto mo bang uminom? para maiba naman..." alam mo di ako umiinom, pero salamat sa alok..
"hindi na, inaantok na ako..bukas nalang tayo ulit mag usap."
"ok. sige"
alam ko gusto mo pang makipag usap, gusto pang marinig ang mga iniisip ko.. pro di ko na din kaya alalanin ang lahat..nag uumpisa palang ako tumangap ng katotohanan, mga kapangitan ng buhay..
siguro bukas.. pag may lakas na akong ngumiti at humarap sa salamin at kausapin ka muli.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
...
In my loneliness,
I drown in the crowd;
In my silence,
I vanish in the busy chattering.
Walls resounding,
As caffeine-flavored air
Hovers rich,
Above me.
Inside the thickness of the room,
I sit still;
Unfamiliar faces,
With voices
Rising and falling,
In unison.
And I,
I’m invisible.
I drown in the crowd;
In my silence,
I vanish in the busy chattering.
Walls resounding,
As caffeine-flavored air
Hovers rich,
Above me.
Inside the thickness of the room,
I sit still;
Unfamiliar faces,
With voices
Rising and falling,
In unison.
And I,
I’m invisible.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
have i, did i, would i?
1. Have you said "I love you" today?
yah..said it to someone 3 times with lots of kiss and a tight hug.
2. What's one thing you actuallyremember about PREP?
Never took prep.
3. Did you cry at your graduation orsmile because you were glad it wasover?
Laughed and hooted and screamed at myfavorite teacher. I was so happy I wasleaving.
4. Name 2 of your favorite movies?
serendipity andshallow hal
5. What's the last thing you thinkabout before going to sleep at night?
her
6. What are your nicknames?
mike.dad.mikee(i hate this mikee thing)
7. How do you calm down when youreextremely angry?
I stuff it down or let it out by writinga nasty poem about the object of my ire.
8. A movie or a long walk in the beachon a date?
went to a silent movie once with someone..she's deaf but nice and so pretty..
9. What are 3 of the first things younotice in a girl?
[Aside from face, huh?]Smile.Voice.Smell.
10. Would you ever date someone covered in tats and piercings?
Done it.
11. Would you want a house at the beachor in the mountains?
Both.
12. What are 2 of your favorite colors?
Platinum. Red.
13. What time is it right now?
Quarter to 9
14. What's your zodiac sign?
the Bull
15. Are you a (1) party animal orsomeone who (2) prefers to stay in aquiet place?
It depends on who I am at a particular time.
16. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
Dogs
17. Would you drive 100 miles for the one you love?
I dont drive.. but I rode a bus for six hours just to see someone... and have dinner with her.
18. Does love really make you actcrazy?
Define crazy.
19. Are you brave enough to tell aguy/girl you like him/her?
Of course. Done it too.
20. What do you usually do when you'restarting to fall for some guy/girl?
Nothing.
21. Have you ever had diarrhea andvomited at the same time?
I dont remember any incident probably not.
22. Do you prefer shrimp or crab legs?
Both
23. How do babies make you feel?
nice
24. Who is the last person you high-fived?
strappy.(does high5 in msn count) i dont high 5 in real life.. i hug
25. Have you ever drunk milk straightout of the carton?
yah
26. Do you think you're attractive?
nope
27. Have you ever flown a kite?
hmmm.. cant remember.. i guess
28. Do you consider yourself successful?
Not right now.
29. Where is your cellphone?
a few inches from my left hand, hahaha!
30. What do you usually do when you'resad?
I write it out. If that doesnt work, Idraw it out. Whenever possible, Idistract myself with the presence ofother people. When its really, reallybad, I curl up fetus-pose and bawl .
31. What are your plans for tonight?
sleep with red beside me..
32. What's the last thing you often dobefore going to bed?
Ruminate.
33. Are you a morning or evening person?
Evening. Definitely.
yah..said it to someone 3 times with lots of kiss and a tight hug.
2. What's one thing you actuallyremember about PREP?
Never took prep.
3. Did you cry at your graduation orsmile because you were glad it wasover?
Laughed and hooted and screamed at myfavorite teacher. I was so happy I wasleaving.
4. Name 2 of your favorite movies?
serendipity andshallow hal
5. What's the last thing you thinkabout before going to sleep at night?
her
6. What are your nicknames?
mike.dad.mikee(i hate this mikee thing)
7. How do you calm down when youreextremely angry?
I stuff it down or let it out by writinga nasty poem about the object of my ire.
8. A movie or a long walk in the beachon a date?
went to a silent movie once with someone..she's deaf but nice and so pretty..
9. What are 3 of the first things younotice in a girl?
[Aside from face, huh?]Smile.Voice.Smell.
10. Would you ever date someone covered in tats and piercings?
Done it.
11. Would you want a house at the beachor in the mountains?
Both.
12. What are 2 of your favorite colors?
Platinum. Red.
13. What time is it right now?
Quarter to 9
14. What's your zodiac sign?
the Bull
15. Are you a (1) party animal orsomeone who (2) prefers to stay in aquiet place?
It depends on who I am at a particular time.
16. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
Dogs
17. Would you drive 100 miles for the one you love?
I dont drive.. but I rode a bus for six hours just to see someone... and have dinner with her.
18. Does love really make you actcrazy?
Define crazy.
19. Are you brave enough to tell aguy/girl you like him/her?
Of course. Done it too.
20. What do you usually do when you'restarting to fall for some guy/girl?
Nothing.
21. Have you ever had diarrhea andvomited at the same time?
I dont remember any incident probably not.
22. Do you prefer shrimp or crab legs?
Both
23. How do babies make you feel?
nice
24. Who is the last person you high-fived?
strappy.(does high5 in msn count) i dont high 5 in real life.. i hug
25. Have you ever drunk milk straightout of the carton?
yah
26. Do you think you're attractive?
nope
27. Have you ever flown a kite?
hmmm.. cant remember.. i guess
28. Do you consider yourself successful?
Not right now.
29. Where is your cellphone?
a few inches from my left hand, hahaha!
30. What do you usually do when you'resad?
I write it out. If that doesnt work, Idraw it out. Whenever possible, Idistract myself with the presence ofother people. When its really, reallybad, I curl up fetus-pose and bawl .
31. What are your plans for tonight?
sleep with red beside me..
32. What's the last thing you often dobefore going to bed?
Ruminate.
33. Are you a morning or evening person?
Evening. Definitely.
dont have a morning brain..
Type what comes to yourmind first whenever you hear these 50words. Don't think and don't go backand change. Doesn't matter how random:
1. Beer: nope
2. Food: bread
3. Relationships: talkin to someone without sayin anything
4. Your crush: the one with the nicest smile
5. Power Rangers: Spaghetti rings (promise!)
6. Life: red
7. Death: bein run over by a bus
8. School: of rock
9. The President: Gloria
10. Yummy: her
11. Cars: VW
12. Movie: cinema paradiso
13. Halloween: stir fried chicken
14. Sex: make love
15. Religion: my God is a DJ
16. Myspace: your space
17. Fear: burried alive
18. Marriage: sayin i do
19. Blondes: gweneth paltrow
20. Slippers: leather sandals
21. Shoes: black leather
22. Asians: Chinese girls with straight,black bangs and slitty eyes
23: Past time: thinking
24. One night stand: dont i get a second one?
25: Cell Phone: 5110
27: Smoke: A childhood memory of yayaLumen burning dead leaves
28. Fantasy: bein an angel of death
29: College: white shirt & torned jeans
30: Highschool Life: nice?
31. Pajamas: Red
32. Star: nice to get high and look at..
33. Fitness Center: coffee
34. Alcohol: dont like
35. The word love: means you
36. Friends: few..but the best
37. Money: changes everything
38. Heartache: gun shot
39. Time: Cyndi Lauper
40. Divorce: why not..
41. Dogs: my mom's happy and kim (2 black labradors)
42. Undies: Black
43. Parents: Cow and Chicken
44. Babies: drool and farts like hell
45. Stripper: The former goddes
46. Blogs: strappy
47. News: Harry Gasser
48. Weddings: White tulle
49. Hidden desires: Haze
50. Kleenex: Butterfly
ok.. sorry bout that.. came in too early.. so enjoy..
1. Beer: nope
2. Food: bread
3. Relationships: talkin to someone without sayin anything
4. Your crush: the one with the nicest smile
5. Power Rangers: Spaghetti rings (promise!)
6. Life: red
7. Death: bein run over by a bus
8. School: of rock
9. The President: Gloria
10. Yummy: her
11. Cars: VW
12. Movie: cinema paradiso
13. Halloween: stir fried chicken
14. Sex: make love
15. Religion: my God is a DJ
16. Myspace: your space
17. Fear: burried alive
18. Marriage: sayin i do
19. Blondes: gweneth paltrow
20. Slippers: leather sandals
21. Shoes: black leather
22. Asians: Chinese girls with straight,black bangs and slitty eyes
23: Past time: thinking
24. One night stand: dont i get a second one?
25: Cell Phone: 5110
27: Smoke: A childhood memory of yayaLumen burning dead leaves
28. Fantasy: bein an angel of death
29: College: white shirt & torned jeans
30: Highschool Life: nice?
31. Pajamas: Red
32. Star: nice to get high and look at..
33. Fitness Center: coffee
34. Alcohol: dont like
35. The word love: means you
36. Friends: few..but the best
37. Money: changes everything
38. Heartache: gun shot
39. Time: Cyndi Lauper
40. Divorce: why not..
41. Dogs: my mom's happy and kim (2 black labradors)
42. Undies: Black
43. Parents: Cow and Chicken
44. Babies: drool and farts like hell
45. Stripper: The former goddes
46. Blogs: strappy
47. News: Harry Gasser
48. Weddings: White tulle
49. Hidden desires: Haze
50. Kleenex: Butterfly
ok.. sorry bout that.. came in too early.. so enjoy..
Thursday, August 09, 2007
What was the problem again?
It has been said that men are natural problem-solvers. If so, does this make women natural….problem-makers?
My special someone very nearly threatened my life when I shared this observation with her. “We are NOT problem-makers! More often than not, YOU are the problem!”
Spoken like a true woman. Of course, I had to cite examples to prove my point.
The one trait of women I will never understand is their ability to make a problem out of everything. And I mean everything. If there is no problem readily available, you can make sure they will manufacture one for your convenience.
They make it a problem when you scratch yourself too much. What’s the big fuss? If it’s itchy, then it needs to be scratched. People do that.
But it might appear that you didn’t take a bath. And do you have to do it while we’re eating, or talking to someone?
Are we really going to argue over my scratching? It’s a simple bodily function, like urinating or yawning.
And what’s this fascination over shaving your legs? You shave, then you cover up with stockings. Bravo.
Shaved legs are sexier to look at. You just wouldn’t understand. It’s a girl thing.
But how will anyone know that they’re shaved if you cover them up with your stockings? Or your pants? You don’t wear shorts everyday now, do you?
And speaking of dressing up, why do you dress provocatively, then get angry when guys stare at you? Again, you create your own problem. If you don’t want to solicit any ogling, then don’t give us a reason to ogle.
My special someone also said that watching a basketball game was the single most boring thing she ever did in her life. I do not expect her to enjoy sports. But I do expect her to realize that window-shopping is ultimately ten times more boring than watching basketball.
Honestly, can you thing of a more ridiculous way to waste your time than to hop from one shop to the next without buying anything? And when, by some incredible stroke of luck you DO buy something, why does it take up to the end of the day?
Whenever there’s a mall-wide sale, my special someone (together with my mother and sister) roam the concrete land in search of the one bargain that will make their trip worthwhile. I, on the other hand, have bought everything I need in a span of 20 minutes. It takes me longer to park than to shop.
Can’t you people decide what you want BEFORE embarking on this hazardous trip to the mall? How come I never take as long to shop?
Because we only know what we want to buy when we see it (this is my mom talking, and she has a Ph.D. Can you believe that?)
Again, things could have been simpler, but you complicate them. I would have perfectly understood your fascination for midnight madness if you didn’t complain so often about the large crowds, your weariness, or the long lines in the comfort rooms. Are you sure you enjoy doing this?
But it doesn’t stop there. You buy something, but freak out when your credit card bill arrives. It sends you into immediate depression.
“Wala na akong pera! Ang laki-laki ng bill ko!”
Duh? Who told you to buy all those shoes (many of which you will replace after just three months) anyway?
And speaking of fashion, you own what, forty pairs of shoes, fifty blouses and thirty pants? And yet you always wonder what you’re going to wear. It takes you the whole night to dress up.
Follow our example: we own fewer clothes. Ergo, we have fewer garments from which to choose. Ergo, we’re ready to go in five minutes.
Do you see what I’m getting at? You create a problem by owning too many clothes.
Honestly, you wouldn’t have half your problems if you just thought out things systematically. You have so many “problems”, but you don’t know where to start searching for solutions.
But then again, I guess that’s what we’re here for.
My special someone very nearly threatened my life when I shared this observation with her. “We are NOT problem-makers! More often than not, YOU are the problem!”
Spoken like a true woman. Of course, I had to cite examples to prove my point.
The one trait of women I will never understand is their ability to make a problem out of everything. And I mean everything. If there is no problem readily available, you can make sure they will manufacture one for your convenience.
They make it a problem when you scratch yourself too much. What’s the big fuss? If it’s itchy, then it needs to be scratched. People do that.
But it might appear that you didn’t take a bath. And do you have to do it while we’re eating, or talking to someone?
Are we really going to argue over my scratching? It’s a simple bodily function, like urinating or yawning.
And what’s this fascination over shaving your legs? You shave, then you cover up with stockings. Bravo.
Shaved legs are sexier to look at. You just wouldn’t understand. It’s a girl thing.
But how will anyone know that they’re shaved if you cover them up with your stockings? Or your pants? You don’t wear shorts everyday now, do you?
And speaking of dressing up, why do you dress provocatively, then get angry when guys stare at you? Again, you create your own problem. If you don’t want to solicit any ogling, then don’t give us a reason to ogle.
My special someone also said that watching a basketball game was the single most boring thing she ever did in her life. I do not expect her to enjoy sports. But I do expect her to realize that window-shopping is ultimately ten times more boring than watching basketball.
Honestly, can you thing of a more ridiculous way to waste your time than to hop from one shop to the next without buying anything? And when, by some incredible stroke of luck you DO buy something, why does it take up to the end of the day?
Whenever there’s a mall-wide sale, my special someone (together with my mother and sister) roam the concrete land in search of the one bargain that will make their trip worthwhile. I, on the other hand, have bought everything I need in a span of 20 minutes. It takes me longer to park than to shop.
Can’t you people decide what you want BEFORE embarking on this hazardous trip to the mall? How come I never take as long to shop?
Because we only know what we want to buy when we see it (this is my mom talking, and she has a Ph.D. Can you believe that?)
Again, things could have been simpler, but you complicate them. I would have perfectly understood your fascination for midnight madness if you didn’t complain so often about the large crowds, your weariness, or the long lines in the comfort rooms. Are you sure you enjoy doing this?
But it doesn’t stop there. You buy something, but freak out when your credit card bill arrives. It sends you into immediate depression.
“Wala na akong pera! Ang laki-laki ng bill ko!”
Duh? Who told you to buy all those shoes (many of which you will replace after just three months) anyway?
And speaking of fashion, you own what, forty pairs of shoes, fifty blouses and thirty pants? And yet you always wonder what you’re going to wear. It takes you the whole night to dress up.
Follow our example: we own fewer clothes. Ergo, we have fewer garments from which to choose. Ergo, we’re ready to go in five minutes.
Do you see what I’m getting at? You create a problem by owning too many clothes.
Honestly, you wouldn’t have half your problems if you just thought out things systematically. You have so many “problems”, but you don’t know where to start searching for solutions.
But then again, I guess that’s what we’re here for.
Pula Guevarra
Nung umpisa..ang lahat ay puti..puti ang itim, ang dilaw,ang berde, ang lahat na naka tingin sa kawalan..hindi masasabing malungkot o masaya ang buhay... dahil lahat ay walang kulay..ngunit noong lumabas si pula na kasing laki ng manga... lahat ay nag bago...may lungkot na nararamdaman.. may saya na napapakita sa bawat isa...ang buhay ay nag umpisa sa isang pula na kasing laki ng manga..si Pula, kay Pula, sa Pula nag simula ang lahat..
kay Pula Guevarra
kay Pula Guevarra
boredom or just plain old lack of sleep
top:
huuuuuggg.. there felt she is small for the first time..
second:
who said me and kat cant jump?aarrgrhhh!!
my desktop..parallel universe...
the reggae mohawk samurai king of dub! HAPPY!
third:
cams and happy..rainny days and thursdays always makes me high..
happy felt alone with everybody around
took a shot of the two tryin to be busy..
fourth:
sad man and the gay guy...
huuuuuggg.. there felt she is small for the first time..
second:
who said me and kat cant jump?aarrgrhhh!!
my desktop..parallel universe...
the reggae mohawk samurai king of dub! HAPPY!
third:
cams and happy..rainny days and thursdays always makes me high..
happy felt alone with everybody around
took a shot of the two tryin to be busy..
fourth:
sad man and the gay guy...
time: 1:39am wednesday
me, happy, jella & a paper bag..
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
why
she talked to me for hours...
i beg her to stop.. but she didnt..
she insisted on not putting the fone down..
i told her i was tired and want to sleep...
she told me "so sleep,ill be here listenin to your snoring"...
i was getting angry at her na...
but she didnt care bout my anger...
i cursed one or twice.. but not to her... she only said "so?"
i was pushing her away... like what i did to everybody...
but not like everybody...
she didnt move an inch...didnt want to...dont have any plans to either..
she told me things that she never told anybody... i was confused
i dont want to listen to her that time but the reciever is still on my ear...
her voice changes with every hour.. it became deeper, sadder then happier...
she seems enjoyin the conversation... i was confused
she knows what im goin tru right now... the hell, the demons beside me...
i really dont know why she's doin this... but it was better than nothing...
for two days now, she's checkin on me..
askin me how i am, what am i doin...
am i still thinkin of it..
this morning she texted me again.. askin hows my morning..
i answered "why?"...
she just replied back with a happy face...
i just said "thanks"
i beg her to stop.. but she didnt..
she insisted on not putting the fone down..
i told her i was tired and want to sleep...
she told me "so sleep,ill be here listenin to your snoring"...
i was getting angry at her na...
but she didnt care bout my anger...
i cursed one or twice.. but not to her... she only said "so?"
i was pushing her away... like what i did to everybody...
but not like everybody...
she didnt move an inch...didnt want to...dont have any plans to either..
she told me things that she never told anybody... i was confused
i dont want to listen to her that time but the reciever is still on my ear...
her voice changes with every hour.. it became deeper, sadder then happier...
she seems enjoyin the conversation... i was confused
she knows what im goin tru right now... the hell, the demons beside me...
i really dont know why she's doin this... but it was better than nothing...
for two days now, she's checkin on me..
askin me how i am, what am i doin...
am i still thinkin of it..
this morning she texted me again.. askin hows my morning..
i answered "why?"...
she just replied back with a happy face...
i just said "thanks"
Sunday, August 05, 2007
you said you will wait for me to tell you whats wrong with me... how i feel and how im tryin not to be someone else i dont like to be.. im really tryin ... but the hardest part is you waiting.. how convinient.. i said to myself..
but i guess thats the way you are.. and this is the way i am my friend...
good nigth...
im really tryin...
i guess ill get tru this alone...
but i guess thats the way you are.. and this is the way i am my friend...
good nigth...
im really tryin...
i guess ill get tru this alone...
wait
its easier for me to be a rain cloud this few days than to be a sunshine...
someone said to me she gona wait or maybe she told me to take my time..
she'll wait for a rain cloud or maybe she askin me to take my time to be a rain cloud..
both have sad endings...
me becoming a storm..
someone said to me she gona wait or maybe she told me to take my time..
she'll wait for a rain cloud or maybe she askin me to take my time to be a rain cloud..
both have sad endings...
me becoming a storm..
Saturday, August 04, 2007
verge
goin back to last night,...
before leaving for uncle joes'... i felt a heavy thing inside my chest... something that scared me big time.. ok.. its like.. if i had a gun that time... ive shot myself.. its a morbid feeling but that time i can hurt myself...i can kill myself...for one apperent reason...
sadness...
it scared me coz it was the first time it happened..first time to feel that extreme feeling... first time i was sure of something that will hurt me..
am i this person who can do this to himself?...i was in a verge of breaking down.. of not knowin who am i that very minute..
before leaving the office.. i called my house and ask Red's nanny to put him on the fone and make him laugh.. i just wan hear his laugh.. his voice..
then.. i heard this little voice... i was nearly in tears hearing it... but it didnt help the feeling.. it just made me sadder...made it worst..
please God.. make me realise that i have a good life... please
before leaving for uncle joes'... i felt a heavy thing inside my chest... something that scared me big time.. ok.. its like.. if i had a gun that time... ive shot myself.. its a morbid feeling but that time i can hurt myself...i can kill myself...for one apperent reason...
sadness...
it scared me coz it was the first time it happened..first time to feel that extreme feeling... first time i was sure of something that will hurt me..
am i this person who can do this to himself?...i was in a verge of breaking down.. of not knowin who am i that very minute..
before leaving the office.. i called my house and ask Red's nanny to put him on the fone and make him laugh.. i just wan hear his laugh.. his voice..
then.. i heard this little voice... i was nearly in tears hearing it... but it didnt help the feeling.. it just made me sadder...made it worst..
please God.. make me realise that i have a good life... please
Friday, August 03, 2007
deep
firday night.. 8:30pm... goin somewhere later for kats birthday and i hope things will make this mood change...
whats the mood?
deep.... deeeeeepppp.. deeeeeeeeepppp depression!
wana kill myself.. serious
bye
whats the mood?
deep.... deeeeeepppp.. deeeeeeeeepppp depression!
wana kill myself.. serious
bye
still
i want to sleep...
still not ok... tryin to look happy
still missing red and his giggle...
still have this sore foot.. coz of that 80 year old cabinet... aaaaarrrrgggggg
still tryin to find solution to my problem...
still thinking of that woman...
still looking at that smile...
still doin that damn scrapbook for a client...
still wishin it would rain today....
still...
pls just talk to me... im gona be still here.. waiting
still not ok... tryin to look happy
still missing red and his giggle...
still have this sore foot.. coz of that 80 year old cabinet... aaaaarrrrgggggg
still tryin to find solution to my problem...
still thinking of that woman...
still looking at that smile...
still doin that damn scrapbook for a client...
still wishin it would rain today....
still...
pls just talk to me... im gona be still here.. waiting
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